I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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