You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
