I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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