there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
