i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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