barbara walters just said penis...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
