If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
