Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
