I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
