apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i will never coherently bang her
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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