fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
