He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
