all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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