I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
