I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
