I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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