You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
