i think my mom watched the whole time
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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