Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
