You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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