That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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