That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
