She is in my trunk
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
