Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
