tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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