if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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