Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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