Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
