Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
