At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
