I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
