I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
