Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
