Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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