ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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