so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
