I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
