Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
