dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
