I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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