So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
