is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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