What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
