don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
