Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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