Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
