how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Found the puke drawer
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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