I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Randomize
