i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
