I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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