the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
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