So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
